I’m all aflutter. My mind is full, my heart even more so. I need to empty out mind and let heart sing. Arteries are clogged but emotion is breaking through in hot tears and jagged words. The eyes keep streaming even though I stop them up. And he says it’s good, and I know he’s right; because this journey is messy but it’s good.

I’m holding tight to this work, although I don’t feel strong enough. But I can to do all things. Strength is given for the taking.

The way it was written to be, with that characteristic perfect timing, I was given this. Now I’m preparing to give up. For ten days I’m joining Laura Emily and a group of strong women as we give up and dig deep, explore and discover. I’m clearing out, opening up. I’m seeking healing, physical and emotional. I’m seeking transformation and renewal, wisdom and words. I’m seeking God. And in seeking I will find. More than I bargained for, answered prayer, grace unending.

I’m a work under construction so bear with me. I’m tearful and shaky, forgetful and distracted. I’m being made new.

And it’s all good.

You all are the sweetest! Thanks for your loving words on my last post, I’m so blessed by you wonderful women (and men?…hi,Dad). It’s a good journey I’m on. And I’m doing so much better now that I’m on my feet again.* I’m finding joy, remembering laughter, and speaking gratitude.

*Although by what I consider to be divine humour, we’re now getting back on our feet after a stomach bug. I’ve been laughing about the unbelievable timing of that one!

For a couple of weeks I despaired that summer was passing me by but of course it hasn’t. Life continues, and in this house quite boisterously.

:: we’ve nourished ::

:: we’ve admired ::

:: we’ve learned ::

:: we’ve marvelled ::

:: we’ve entertained ::

:: we’ve experimented ::

:: we’ve celebrated (nine years!!) ::

:: we’ve contemplated ::

:: we’ve enjoyed ::

:: we’ve cherished ::

And there’s plenty of summer left for the having. How is your summer going? I’m feeling out of the loop – come catch me up!

hello!

It’s been a while. Longer even than I’d realized. I’ve missed you.

It was an unexpected absence I took from this space. Just when I thought shingles was beat, it knocked me flat again. This time I didn’t continue (almost) as normal, this time I was down for the count.

Full days of sleeping, in bed or on the couch, lots of prayers, lots of vitamins. Not much of anything else.

And I’m sure this will sound melodramatic but it’s been the hardest month I’ve known. Not because of the pain of shingles (although that hasn’t been a walk in the park). It’s been hard because I’ve been brought, kicking and screaming, to surrender, to giving up, to letting go.

There was much I was not able to do. There was much, much, much that I had to rely on my super-hero hubby and super-sidekick kids to do. There was much that had to be left undone.

It’s been a struggle for everyone.

Though I’ve been reminded time and time again of grace.

I’ve received support, encouragement, and prayers. I’ve dropped to my knees. I’ve cried countless tears. I’ve sunk low, I’ve been raised back up. I’ve ached David’s Psalms. I’ve filled pages and pages with my pain, I’ve filled more with my thanks.

And I’ve known this is a work, not just an illness. It’s been transformation, education, growth. Those dark soul corners where pain slinks away to hide are being brought to the light. I’m learning to find strength, seek beauty, offer forgiveness.

I’m on a journey to healing, body and soul.

::

I’m doing much better now. Not 100% but feeling good and returned to mommy duties. And so so thankful. Thanks for the prayers, healing thoughts, and kind notes. 

Over the weeks before and during our move we had lots of help. Family and friends came to the rescue with paintbrushes and shovels, hot meals and strong arms, big hugs and encouraging words. They definitely helped us through the difficult time.

And while it was all going down we had a protein dense snack that got us through long hours of packing, renovating, and moving: homemade larabars. I made batch after batch to keep us going when meals were a distant thought. Many requests for food we met with a plate of these tasty nuggets. Thankfully the kids (mostly) love them. The coconut haters changed their tune, everyone picked favourites, my food processor got a lot of loving.

Oh, and the hanger (hunger induced anger) that certain of us experience was largely avoided, too. We kept our tempers and our wits thanks to the energy punch these babies pack.

For a couple of years now we’ve enjoyed larabars as a quick snack, great when we’re on the go. They are full of good stuff but demanding on the wallet. Dan decided he could whip them up and he was right. I got ahold of the idea and ran with it adding different flavours to his base of cashews and dates.

Peanut butter, cherries, cocoa, and coconut have all come into the mix for one of more of our batches.

I’ve got the original recipe for you today along with my favourite (thus far) variations.

Don’t Flake Out Nut Bars

2/3 cup raw cashews, unsalted

1/3 cup raw almonds

1/2 cup dates, pitted

1/2 cup unsweetened coconut

1-2 Tbsp virgin coconut oil

Pop all these into a food processor and blend, blend, blend. The mixture will begin to hold together after 30 seconds or so. Pulse a few times to make sure you haven’t missed any nut chunks. Shape into a tight log using wax paper and press into a 1/2 inch rectangle. Refrigerate until firm then slice into bars. Alternatively roll into balls – perfect for popping.

Variations:

Cocoa-Nut Bars – add in 3 Tbsps cocoa before blending.

Peanut Butter Balls – omit coconut, add 2-3 Tbsp natural peanut butter, 1/8 tsp sea salt

Cherry Bombs – 1 cup almonds, 1/4 cup dates, 1/4 dried cherries, 2 Tbsp coconut oil

The peanut butter version is to die for. Seriously yummy and you know I’m going to be tossing in some chocolate chips next time for a little choco-peanut crunch.

But my absolute biggest praise for these morsels – my mid-afternoon sugar ache has been appeased. I didn’t think the craving monster could be tamed but these chock-full-o-goodness bars have kicked it to the curb. For reals, people.

You’ve got to try them.

Perfect for growing boys, 3pm sugar calls, and hanger emergencies.

::

Do you have a favourite snack when energy lags? Do you crave sweet or is salt your thing? I dare you to put these head to head with your craving monster!

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more.

It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal

into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our

past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.”

~Melody Beattie

In the name of gratitude and truthfulness I’ve decided to post a little piece of reality here once a week. Likely just a single picture. See my original post here.

I felt so good, and I jumped back in. Back in to stacked dished, unpacked boxes, dirty laundry. Back in to hurry, hurry, rush, rush, don’t-slow-down stress.

I felt it in my cheek. The red-angry cheek that was so nearly healed. The cheek that burned with indignation at the the rushing and the going and the worrying.

And once again morning showed the truth. Another break-out, swelling, pain and this time I’m paying for it double.

I know I missed that lesson so I’m learning it again.

Slow.

Slow.

Slow.

I’m annoyed and I’m frustrated.

Slow.

Slow.

Slow.

But I’m seeing things I might have miseed. Seeing things I was too busy to look for. Childhood’s dreamings, winds whisperings, slanting light’s stories.

I’m all or nothing seeking middle ground. In this act of motherhood so rich and full. Demanding and undoing. I’m forced to balance. Knees on floor. Head in hands. Heart wide open. I’m learning.

And learning means practice. And it doesn’t come quick. But I’m learning and I’m full of the goodness of it.

Grateful for grace.

::

If you’d like to join in with a reality check of your own, please add a link or note in the comments!

P.S. There’s been a whole lot of reality here lately. I’ve been quite the downer but things are on the upswing. I’m opening my eyes and enjoying the good that surrounds me. Thanks for putting up with my aching heart.